The story is, there's a beautiful princess trapped in a castle guarded by a dragon. This is how the story would play out, depending on the metal genre of the knight:
Heavy Metal
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and has sex with the princess.
... Power Metal
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
Thrash Metal
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
Folk Metal
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments causing the dragon to fall asleep. The princess joins them and they dance their way out of the castle.
Viking Metal
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and ransacks the castle before leaving.
Death Metal
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
Black Metal
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon, and burns the castle.
Symphonic Black Metal: The same thing but smoothly...
Goregrind
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads its guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he slashes her belly and fucks her guts before eating them.
Grindcore
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely indecipherable for about two minutes and then leaves...
Doom Metal
The protagonist arrives, sees the immense size of the dragon and talks about how he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
Gothic Metal
The princess in a velvet costume starts singing soprano. The protagonist completes the duet when he shows up, they sing while the dragon plays the flute. Suddenly the dragon swallows up the pipe and accidentally scorches the princess and the protagonist, and then he suffocates to death. All their souls are damned in hell for eternity.
Gothic Metal with female singer: She charms the dragon by her songs, arrives in front of the princess, steals her dress from her, her palace from her, and waits for the drummer of her band to come and fuck her.
Alternative Metal: The knight arrives, refuses to conform to the system, says "fuck you" to the princess and sets off again.
Atmospheric Metal: The scales of the dragon sparkle the moonlight, the princess lays at her balcony and stares at the skyline with melancholy, the air blows gently in the trees. No knight.
Glam Metal: The knight arrives late after putting on make-up for 3 hours, enters while the dragon is laughing to death at this sight, steals the make-up off the princess and paints the walls of the castle in pink.
Progressive Metal
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a 26 minute solo. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques he learned from spending the last year in his conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the Heavy Metal protagonist.
Industrial Metal
The protagonist arrives wearing greasy overcoat, makes an obscene gestures towards the dragon, and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
Speed Metal
Suddenly there is a short solo, the dragon is confused; someone's screaming weird stuff; the princess realizes she's been deflowered; the dragon and the princess are still looking for the one who caused this.
Christian Metal
The protagonist rides in on his way home from Church and sings a mushy power ballad to the dragon about how much Jesus loves him and that the dragon should turn to Him. The Dragon is immediately converted, and when the princess wants to 'thank' the protagonist he replies, "Sorry, but I don't believe in having sex before marriage."
Nu Metal
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
de Joey Hirschmuller:
